So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You can't special order awesome
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
