i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
