So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
