Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
