I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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