So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
