And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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