why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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