Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
