Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
True college students do jello shots in the library
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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