How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
