does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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