i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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