There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
