New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
