It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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