im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
