He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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