I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
