I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
