Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
