I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sorry about my life...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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