I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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