just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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