She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
