it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
