so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
