he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It's official drugs can't kill me
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
