rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
