whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
