He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
