i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
