I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
