i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize