he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
