Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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