In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
