I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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