Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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