i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
