My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
