meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
