Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
