I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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