got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
