I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
