I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
