yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
