my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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