How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I need moral support for this bender
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
