zippers are such a cool invention
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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